Let’s Talk About The Stupid, Jerkface Language Of Divorce

Let’s Talk About The Stupid, Jerkface Language Of Divorce

I’m struggling with the words that go along with divorce.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve even said the word divorce out loud. I’ve only written it. I just doesn’t feel right to me – it doesn’t feel like it describes us or our family’s situation.

We didn’t even want to use it when we told our kids, and I didn’t use it when I told my side of the family. I think I mostly say that we are splitting up. But why? Why does it bother me so much?

For the most part, I think it’s because…

You Got This, Sisters — Because Your Soul Already Knows What It Needs

You Got This, Sisters — Because Your Soul Already Knows What It Needs

I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting.

After my last article, I knew there would be shock and dismay and understanding and a flood of “I’m so sorry’s” and lots of love. And I was right.

What I was not expecting was the outreach.

Much like when we had our miscarriage in between our kids’ births – people came out of the woodwork. I couldn’t believe how many others had had miscarriages at that time and I didn’t know. Some of them much further along than me…and some of them multiple times.

It was like a secret club that you didn’t even know existed – and certainly never wanted to belong to.

To My Husband, At The End Of Our 25-Year Marriage

I took my wedding ring off today.

Not to send a message to you — or to anyone else for that matter. I did it as an act of self-love. As another punctuation mark. Punctuating the completion of our marriage.

And it does feel complete.

It feels sort of odd that I didn’t take the ring off to mark an ending — as much as I did it to mark a new beginning. For me. For you. For our family.

I thought about just changing the hand I wear it on, to signify how our love as a family is still there but now it just looks different. But that didn’t feel quite right. Because we will always be a family, whether there is a ring or not.

And when I did take it off, I felt nothing but gratitude…

Thank you. For always being such an amazing provider for our family. And for giving me the incredible kids that we have. (Don’t make me go into the ugly cry over those lovely humans we created…)

Thank you for making it possible for me to stay home with the babies — when I never-in-a-million-years thought I would stay home with the babies. And thank you for always understanding how conflicted I felt about putting my career on hold — but also for seeing how much my heart wanted to hold those squishy-baby years tight and never let them go.

Thank you for always supporting me in every whim I ever had…even if you were rolling your eyes on the inside. (Because my third eye still saw everything you thought I didn’t see.)

Thank you for loving my family as your own. For still wanting to take my parents to doctor appointments, celebrate special occasions as a group, and do big family things together, for as long as it works for both of us.

Thank you for whole-heartedly agreeing to this “nesting” thing that is weird and messy and weird and uncomfortable and weird and tricky — because you want to make this transition as easy on the kids as possible. Even if it seems a bit weird. And even if it means we are the ones who are inconvenienced.

Thank you for being my Imago. We did an amazing job of bringing each other’s crap up and looking it straight in the eye. (After trying to avoid it as long as humanly possible.) I know I was just as gifted at bringing up your greatest fears and issues as you were mine. Bless our hearts.

Thank you for bringing our marriage to completion in the most conscious and loving way possible — for the kids and for us. And for being just as averse to “the D word” as I am.

Thank you for offering to help me with moving and assembling and doing the heavy lifting. I appreciate it all more than you know. Even if I didn’t take you up on it. It still meant a lot.

Thank you for still wanting to take family vacations, and for using your hotel reward points to book hotels for dance competitions. You have always been more than generous.

There is so much you have done — still do — and it doesn’t go unnoticed. Even making me a meal and bringing me a cup of coffee or tea when we are all together at the house. I see it all…and I see you. And your giant heart.

When I took the ring off today, I also thought about the vows I would say to you now. Is that a thing? Divorce vows? Because if not, it should be. (Even if we don’t like to say that word.)

My vows to you would be no surprise…

I promise to always put our kids and family first, no matter what.

I promise to be just as much of a pain-in-the-ass in the future as I always was as your wife. That means I will keep pushing the armchair over toward the fireplace every time you pull it away from the wall. And I will straighten All The Things that need straightening when they aren’t how they should be. And I will close all the doors and cabinets that are left open all the live-long day. Probably with more force than necessary.

I promise to start taking turns with the late-night teenager pickups…at least until she can drive herself in a few months.

I promise to continue loving your family as much as you love mine. Because they are amazing.

I promise to keep being a freak about decluttering and cleaning our family home as much as always…and I appreciate you doing even more than you always did, ever since I started working full time.

I promise to be just as much of a slacker on all the details as I always was. We make a good team when it comes to forgetting special weeks at school or appointments or who’s picking up which kid from where. (At least some things won’t change!)

I promise to share all of our friends — I would never make any of our friends or family choose between us.

I promise to honor you and your journey, and I honestly wish you nothing but happiness and big love and lots of joy.

(That sounds so funny to me — like I’m not going to see you in 10 minutes when I take our girl to dance and you head out to pick up the boy from school.)

I know this all still feels really, really, really weird. But thank you for doing all you can to make it not feel like a Big, Scary Thing that neither one of us wants it to be — for us or for our kids. I promise to do the same.

And I still wish you joy and bliss — and happiness with someone who’s even more loving and badass than I am.

Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash

It’s Okay Now, Beleaguered Soul — Take Baby Steps & Breathe

It’s Okay Now, Beleaguered Soul — Take Baby Steps & Breathe

Boy, was she something.

She was as badass as they come. Brave and bold and sassy.

She was amazing and confident and in love with herself and what was happening in her life.

But she didn’t love her daily life. That grind that came with dealing with the minutiae left her with nothing for herself.

It made her restless.

Holding Our Stories -- And Our Loneliness -- Close To Our Hearts When We Don't Want To.

Holding Our Stories -- And Our Loneliness -- Close To Our Hearts When We Don't Want To.

Riddle: What does a writer do when she writes to process the events of her life – when she writes to figure out how she truly feels about everything she is experiencing -- but cannot write about what’s been happening in her life?

If you can solve that riddle, please let me know, because I haven’t solved it yet. And it’s frickin’ torture.

3 Easy Steps to Getting Our Work Done When Our Kids Are Home for the Summer

3 Easy Steps to Getting Our Work Done When Our Kids Are Home for the Summer

Whether you are starting your business from scratch, working from home as a freelancer, or have a traditional, full-time job outside the home, there is one thing we all have in common – when the kids are home from school for the summer, we suddenly have much more on our plate to manage.

I have a dear friend who is an Executive Director of Meetings and Events for a national organization and she is one of the hardest working people I know. Not one of the hardest working moms – one of the hardest working people. We often comment to each other that we don’t know how the other one does it. And we always say it with love and affection.

A Man I Barely Knew Just Died & I Don’t Know Why I’m so Sad

A Man I Barely Knew Just Died & I Don’t Know Why I’m so Sad

Yesterday, I found out that a man I barely knew died unexpectedly the night before. I am still feeling sad about it today—but I’m not sure why, since I didn’t even know him.

This young man was a friendly, scruffy-looking retail clerk at a small store in my town, and all I know about him is that he had just turned 25 years old, and that he was going to get married next month. I also know that he had just gotten his first tattoo. He was so proud of it and eager to show me the last time I saw him.

Maroon 5 Is Showcasing Women Activists in Their New Video—And It Is Powerful

Maroon 5 Is Showcasing Women Activists in Their New Video—And It Is Powerful

Maroon 5 released their latest single, “Girls Like You” this week and it was just what I needed in this #MeToo era—especially in the wake of Harvey Weinstein’s arrest and the new allegations against actor, Morgan Freeman.

Full disclosure—I am a fan of Maroon 5 and might even have a somewhat ridiculous crush on Adam Levine, so I already knew and loved this song. However, I have never been one to ever really watch music videos.

But this one is worth watching.

Career Coaching Ourselves When It’s Time to Consider Plan B – or C and D

Career Coaching Ourselves When It’s Time to Consider Plan B – or C and D

What do you do when Plan A isn’t working out the way you expected it to – or even hoped it would? Go on to Plan B, right? But what if Plan B isn’t working out the way you’d hoped either?

What if all those side hustles you’ve been gathering while you work on the big dream aren’t quite bringing in the income you need to pay the bills? But at this point in your life, you’ve figured out what you love doing – and can’t imagine doing anything else?

The Downside of Figuring out What You Love to Do for Work

The Downside of Figuring out What You Love to Do for Work

A young friend of mine just contacted me to let me know that he received two jobs offers before he has even graduated from college — and he picked the one that is what he really wants to do for work instead of the one that everyone thinks he’d be great at.

I am so, so happy for him for working as hard as he has to get to this point – and for going with his heart in making the decision. And I also want to warn him – there is a downside to doing what you love for work.

3 TED Talks About Modern Masculinity & Why We Need to Redefine It

3 TED Talks About Modern Masculinity & Why We Need to Redefine It

Modern masculinity is a topic that is impacting our society and our world on a daily basis.

From the #MeToo movement, to the heart-breaking shootings that we experience every day in America, to the language that we are using to have conversations about masculinity—many are feeling that men are under attack and that masculinity needs to be redefined.

When the #MeToo movement happened, I wanted to hear from men about it. I wanted them to get curious, ask questions about what we’ve experienced as women, and then ask themselves what they could do better in their own life. And I expect nothing less from myself when it comes to the topic of modern masculinity.

Pope Francis & President Obama Speak out in Support of Our Young Leaders—Who Will Not Be Silenced

Pope Francis & President Obama Speak out in Support of Our Young Leaders—Who Will Not Be Silenced

There were so many moving, uplifting, and inspiring speeches given at the March for Our Lives this past Saturday. Many of them moved us all to tears.

And while the leader of our country spent Saturday at his golf course, and as of this writing, has yet to publicly comment on the March for Our Lives—Pope Francis and President Obama praised our young people for speaking out.

5 Co-Working Spaces for Women That I Wish Were in My Town

5 Co-Working Spaces for Women That I Wish Were in My Town

Working for myself has afforded me a lot of freedom. Thank goodness, because if I were to have a personal tagline, it would probably be, “You’re not the boss of me.”

I love the freedom I have to work from anywhere, and control my own schedule – you know, for taking your freshman to physical therapy once a week for her dance injury. Or when the school calls saying they’ve called 911 for your fourth grader. (Crisis averted…he was simply dehydrated. Although mommy’s heart might be in jeopardy now.)

Meaningful Work We Can Do from Home? This Entrepreneur Is Making It Happen—and Saving the Environment at the Same Time

Meaningful Work We Can Do from Home? This Entrepreneur Is Making It Happen—and Saving the Environment at the Same Time

She’s been called the queen of remote work.

And she knows that finding meaningful work that actually fits in with our lives and allows us the flexibility we need on a daily basis can feel almost impossible.

She would also be the first person to tell you that it’s not.

Sara Sutton Fell is the founder and CEO of FlexJobs. And this woman is fierce.

This Is What Sexual Harassment Looks Like

This Is What Sexual Harassment Looks Like

With the ongoing stories of sexual harassment flooding the news and our collective consciousness, there have been a lot of people—men and women alike—wondering what constitutes sexual harassment.

Is it ongoing and predatory and perpetrated only by people in a position of power? Or does it also include less overt behaviors?

Oftentimes, women are facing circumstances that they are shocked are even happening in the first place and aren’t quick to react in the moment, let alone even recognize the behavior for what it truly is. It might not be until later that day or week, when thinking back on the events that occurred that the victim thinks, “Did that really just happen?”