The Urban Howl

Some Days, I Don’t Want To Be Brave

Some days, I don’t want to be brave.

Some days, I want to go back to the way things used to be.

When things were safe and predictable.

When I was in my comfort zone. Where big, scary growth doesn’t happen.

Because lately, I’ve been overwhelmed with all the big, scary growth.

I’m overwhelmed with looking for a job that will give me the flexibility I need to be there for my kids the way they need me to be, do work that I enjoy, and that still pays a livable wage that will cover my rent. (No to mention baseball, dance, cars, phones — oh yeah, and food.)

I’m overwhelmed with parenting a teen and tween — and hoping they’ll be okay as we navigate our new normal that comes with divorce.

Not to mention school shootings that happen in our school district.

And I’m overwhelmed with the daily stuff of life.

The incredible chaos that is the month of May when you have one child in elementary school and one in high school.

A daughter who is turning 16 and wanting to make it so special for her amidst all the chaos of school and getting her driver’s license this week, and a week of finals next week.

And a son who is heading into middle school next year…and you’re trying to embrace the last week of elementary activities, and not wish away these moments. Moments that seem to happen all day every day for the last week or two of school.

Plus all the normal weekly trips to doctors and physical therapists and baseball and dance and friends’ houses and the pet store (you know, to set up the new “free” fish tank we were gifted).

The things I’ve always done, but now I’m trying to do while managing our new normal and looking for a job in every spare moment of the day.

Being so overwhelmed doesn’t make me feel brave.

Being brave, to me, is feeling the fear of the big, scary changes and decisions — and doing it anyway.

But right now, I just feel lonely in my overwhelm.

And not at all strong.

I want someone to give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay.

To remind me of how much I trust the Universe. (Because sometimes, I forget.)

To tell me they’ve got my back.

To remind me of my strength.

And that they believe in me.

Because I could use that reminder right about now.

And because some days, I just don’t want to be brave.

Photo by Riccardo Mion on Unsplash

Finding The Magic In The Messiness Of Splitting Up Together

Finding The Magic In The Messiness Of Splitting Up Together

Splitting up together. Bird nesting. Giving the kids custody of our family home.

However you choose to phrase it, this is what we decided to do as a family when my husband of 25 years and I split up.

I loved the premise of nesting as soon as I heard about it.

5 Easy Ways to Summon the Sparkle when the Embers Start to Fade.

5 Easy Ways to Summon the Sparkle when the Embers Start to Fade.

That time of summer…

Not when I start to get anxious for the start of school. Not when the soaring temperatures begin to wilt my front-porch flowers, and my hair. And not when the constant picking up of my kids’ wet towels, electronic devices, and crumbs starts to wear on me.

All those things are happening, but they all pale in comparison to the bigger problem. The same one I face every summer, and have yet to find a way to overcome.