My heart, skipping precious beats all day.
Tapping in, I hold her and try to decipher her code.
Is she feeling the delicious anticipation of something new?
The lingering sadness that comes with letting go of the old?
Something more dark than I am ready to face again? Still.
The fatigue of feeling so much this year?
Or a combination of all of them?
Placing chilled hands over her, I feel her. I talk to her.
Gently, soothingly.
It’s okay, I whisper. It will be okay.
But she feels heavy today. And so uncertain.
Can I trust her this time? Can I trust where she leads me?
Because she has led me astray before. And now I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.
I question her choices. Her decision-making abilities. Her discernment. Her truth.
Because so much that she insisted was real was only an illusion.
After 25 years of false memories, she led me down that path again. And again.
Were they real? The memories. The unicorns. The love. Was any of it real? Even for a moment?
Her hopeful, hopeless romantic heart.
Wandering through the forest, knowing she will find her way eventually. But right now…just for today…feeling lost.
Ungrounded. Unsteady. Unnerved.
And just wanting to be held.
Hands over heart again.
Breathing deeply. Over and over and over.
Carefully peeling back the scar tissue in an attempt to keep her open. Even just a little.
In an attempt to feel alive again.
To give it another chance.
To trust. Again.
To believe that it exists.
My hands begin to warm as they hold her lovingly.
I close my eyes, listen to her soft whispers, and hear her answer…