Today, I sat in my sun-warmed car, surrounded by falling leaves, tropical bird sounds, and sadness.
I had an unusual hour of free time after the three hours of errands I had run, and before I needed to pick up my daughter from school. I was close to her school and since it was a beautiful fall day, I tried to think of a park I could enjoy, but I didn’t know of any in the immediate area.
But there is this spot I find oddly comforting. It’s a little side parking lot, in between my daughter’s high school and the local movie theater. No one ever parks there, so it’s nice and quiet. It’s surrounded on two side with trees, and they were the beautiful yellows, golds, and reds of fall.
I had brought with me a friend’s manuscript to read, so I decided I would just sit in the car and read for a bit.
I opened the sunroof and all the windows to feel the warmth of the sun and the crisp fall breeze.
It was a beautiful spot and I was soothed by the rustling of the leaves on the trees, and then watched them begin to steadily fall to the ground and scamper across the parking lot.
It amused me so much that I could also hear some tropical bird sounds. Sounds I would only expect to hear in Florida or Hawaii. The sounds were, in fact, coming from the movie theater. For some odd reason, the movie theater pipes these ambient sounds out onto the sidewalk area in front of the theater. It’s always made me laugh a little, but I enjoy it every time.
It was such a strange dichotomy---the bird noises that made me want to close my eyes and wish I was on a beach somewhere far, far away, and the autumn leaves falling steadily from their branches.
I laid my head back for a moment and closed my eyes and thought for the gazillionth time, “How did I get here? How did I get to this place in my life?”
And then I got quiet.
And I listened.
And the very first thing that popped into my head was the subject line of an email I saw in my inbox this morning.
That email said, “Stop apologizing for WHO YOU ARE!”
And I knew that was my answer.
Because that one sentence had stuck with me all day.
I didn’t even have time to read the email. It’s still sitting in my inbox.
But that sentence was playing on a repeating loop in my head all day.
And in that moment, when I asked that question, I knew without a doubt that this was my answer.
I am where I am in my life, because I have spent a lifetime apologizing for who I am.
For feeling too deeply.
For loving too hard.
For crying too much.
For being too impatient with cocktail party chit-chat or gossip.
For being too much of a feminist.
For being too “woo-woo”.
For getting overwhelmed with crowds and parties.
For not fitting in to Corporate America.
For getting exhausted when I have to be “on” for too long.
For needing so much alone time.
For being too outspoken on the state of our country.
For wanting to be part of something bigger.
For not wanting to settle.
For wanting more purpose in my life than the amazing blessing of my healthy children.
For wanting more than mediocrity.
For wanting more out of life.
For just being Too Damn Much.
And you know what?
I’m tired of apologizing.
So I asked my angels and guides if that was it.
If it was time to stop apologizing for who I am.
Stop apologizing and then get the f*ck on with things, already!
And at just about the exact moment of the New Moon today, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if a single leaf blew into the car right now as my answer?”
So, yeah. I’m pretty sure you can guess what landed on the seat next to me just a few moments later in a gust of wind.
I took a picture of it, because I thought no one would believe me if I told them.
But I wasn’t surprised at all.
On account of my amazingly unapologetic woo-woo-ness, and all.