She pulled on her boots and vest and wrapped a scarf around her neck, because she knew the chill in the air outside was more biting than his last words to her.
She stepped out her door and down the path and let the crispness of the autumn weather envelop her and carry her forward. Always forward.
The dark skies used to bother her. She always used to want the sun’s warmth to bathe her in its healing light. But she had grown accustomed to the darkness now, and found it comforting in its acceptance of her. Her moods, her darkness, her solitude…they were all welcomed by the darkening fall skies, encircling her with the quiet vibration of yet another ending.
The leaves rustled beneath her feet as she strolled along the dirt path, meandering with no intent and no destination. She simply walked for the purpose of walking, feeling protected from the harsh world by the canopy of branches overhead and the crunchy leaves falling around her.
She often wondered about a quiet existence in isolation and felt drawn to Thoreau’s Nature and Emerson’s Self-Reliance, and asked herself in a whisper if she had it in her to become an island unto herself. She craved a connection that was deeper than most had the ability to give, but she knew she could give it to herself. She believed in big love, but began to suspect that the biggest love she would experience would be with her Self. And that felt more than okay…it felt right and perfect.
She pulled her scarf tighter around her neck as she felt the cold creep into the folds. She zipped up her vest and wrapped her arms around herself, feeling the warmth of her hands on her arms and thought briefly if her own touch could be enough. Could she find a connection with herself so deep and so loving that she wouldn’t need another?
She felt solace in solitude, but the soul connections that had come and gone through her life in the past year made her believe in something just beyond her reach. She felt peaceful in the life she was creating for herself, but the otherworldly feeling she felt when she met souls similar to hers made her question her desire for complete and total freedom and independence.
Did she crave those things before because she was partnered with a soul not meant for hers? Was it just about the chains of belonging to someone not of her world? Because belonging to someone didn’t sound so bad now. Sharing moments that would not be taken for granted. Deep diving into discussions that she never had the chance to experience before, but now, talking for hours was the only thing that mattered.
How much she had been holding inside all these years, she realized as her slow and deliberate steps came quicker and more resolute in their purpose. She had been holding a whole world inside of herself, not knowing if she would ever be able to share it with anyone else. Not her true self. The one that was too deep, too big, too loving, too sensitive…just…too…much.
So she held it in for years. Kept it to herself. Afraid to let anyone see too much of her truth.
Until a soul friend came along and let her know he spoke her language. And then a beautiful stranger came out of nowhere and showed her that the first lovely soul wasn’t a fluke…that there were others like her in this world who felt things just as deeply and wanted to give their giant hearts to the world that needed the love so badly.
And when the pain of those two departures subsided, another warrior soul urged her to keep her heart open and pushed her outside her comfort zone, until the discomfort started feeling natural.
As she turned around and walked back home, she thought about these heartbreaking, heart-opening loves and everything they left in their wakes. The soul language they used that spoke straight to her heart. The hours-long conversations that she had longed for, for so many years. The painful heartbreak that she had never experienced as a young woman, and seemed to making up for now.
But most of all, she thought about the hope.
The potential.
The knowing.
She had a friend once ask her why she believed in big love if she hadn’t experienced it, or knew anyone who had. And when she thought of her past year, her heart smiled in its answer. She felt like she had caught a glimpse of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and wasn’t sure if she could trust her eyes or not. She rubbed her eyes to make sure she was seeing clearly, and each time she did, she caught yet another glimpse.
And while her heart had gotten horribly hurt, she had also been given a gift. A reason to believe. Proof that magic and unicorns did exist. Just like she knew they always did.
She smiled as she reached her cabin and took her muddy boots off before stepping in. And as the warm sun peeked out from behind the dark autumn clouds, she left the door open a tiny bit behind her instead of closing it all the way, so she could feel the fresh air as clearly as she felt the finality of endings.
And to remind her heart to stay open to new beginnings.